Perfect Chaos

Can I tell you a frank secret? Because you are, after all, my people…

I got up this morning and he was gone. I reached for him, but he wasn’t there, and my heart did a sad little flip.

Sooooo I checked my messages to cheer me up. Big mistake. The first one I received this morning was from an angry man harshly criticizing me for running this site and for being a pilot wife. ‘I should be ashamed of myself,’ or so he boldly declared. He is not even in the aviation field—not even remotely connected—but he felt entitled to his bitter words and unjustifiable anger toward a complete stranger. You know, toward me.

I grumpily slammed down my phone, crawled out of bed, opened the door, and was met by absolute chaos. I glared around at all the piles of dirty laundry, unwashed dishes, and enough dust bunnies to start a new farm piled around after an exhaustingly busy weekend.

And yeah, friends, I felt tired…and a little lot discouraged.

For a fleeting moment, I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, I’m not the right one to do this for you—to be your encourager. Because today? I didn’t really want to be a pilot’s wife. I wanted my husband home in my arms, not jaunting around the country. I wanted mean people to stop saying mean things for the sake of meanness. And I wanted to not be forever and a day (or six) behind on life.

But then I realized that makes me the perfect person to do this for you—to be your encourager. Because I get it. This is #thepilotwifelife. It’s messy. Very! I have learned how to have lots of great days, but sometimes it’s still hard. Sometimes ‘those days’ creep in under the radar. I am, without a doubt, an imperfect, messed up, flaming hot mess.

And that makes me perfect for this, because I am real. I am perfect chaos.

I stopped and took a deep breath and realized something very important. Days like today help me help you better because my words? They’re not just empty words from an outside person but rather words of empathy from someone who has been there, done that. Recently. Like…right now, as we speak.

That gives me new perspective and makes me thankful for today. It makes me cherish the loneliness, the frustration, the real…because I know that it makes me a better advocate for you. It gives me real perspective. It helps me identify with you and your ‘those days.’

It makes me a real pilot’s wife. I love, love, love being a pilot’s wife and I love, love, love being able to encourage you. Because my chaos—your chaos—is perfectly beautiful.

I am convinced that we need this community. We need to know it’s okay to have ‘those’ days. We need to be able to lean on one another for encouragement and love and advice.

And we need to remind one another to keep F.L.Y.ing even when it’s hard or we don’t feel like it.

So I’m still here. And I still love you, aviation family. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. Well…except maybe to the grocery store because my kids are, apparently, not too keen on a(nother) dinner of lettuce and ketchup.

I love you, aviation family.

Tailwinds,

Angelia (a fellow pilot wife)

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Welcome Aboard: Beauty From Ashes

Here’s something I never, ever, ever (times infinity) imagined myself saying:

To all the brand new members of our #thepilotwifelife aviation family, numbers 601 through 11,145, welcome aboard! 

Just…wow. 

I am so glad you are here! To say that I am humbled beyond measure would be putting it mildly. You, my amazing aviation friends, are quite literally beauty from ashes. My heart is overwhelmed by your presence, so thank you.

My name is Angelia, a fellow pilot wife with an amazing pilot husband. I founded the pilot wife life page in November of 2016 for one simple reason–to combat the general and overwhelming negativity that is rampant throughout the aviation community and forums.

Simply stated, I wanted to give us all a place to love our pilots out loud, unapologetically! I wanted to focus on learning not only to survive this life, but to live it well–to search out beauty in chaos and embrace it. I also wanted you to know that you are not alone. There is a huge community of men and women living this life that get it.

It was and still is my heart to pour encouragement, support, love and positivity into pilot wives and their spouses in the hopes of affecting perspective (short term) and fighting the widespread culture of infidelity and divorce (long term).

I’ll be blatantly honest, I had no idea what that would actually look like when I began. I just knew I had to do it. It was tugging at my heartstrings constantly, and it simply wasn’t something I could continue to ignore any longer. I couldn’t stand by and watch as aviation marriages crumbled before my eyes while I did nothing.

Sooooo here we are, eleven thousand beautiful aviation men and women strong.

I often use the term ‘pilot wife.’ I understand that there are also tons of beautiful pilot women and their amazing stay-at-home husbands. There are innumerable flight attendants, male and female, and their left-behind spouses. I know! And I am so very grateful for all of you. I choose to write from a perspective that I personally live, because I do not want to presume a perspective that I have not experienced. I am not a pilot’s husband, therefore I do not feel it is a fair perspective to speak for them. However, my choice to address a particular group in no way negates the value of another. You are all, from every aspect of the aviation lifestyle, welcome here, appreciated here, loved here, and wanted here.

I also realize that the topics addressed here can often be applied to a wide array of traveling spouses and even marriage in general! I am proud to say that we have a diverse community that reaches far beyond just the boundaries of aviation. We have long-haul drivers, oil field workers, firefighters, railroad workers, military families and many more. You are welcome here. You are our ‘honorary’ aviation family, and you are deeply loved.

What does my vision for the future of this community look like? I have given a lot of thought to that question over the last few days. My deepest desire is to serve you well, to love you fiercely, and to give you resources that help to support, grow, and strengthen your lives and marriages.

I have a couple of big projects on the horizon which I think will help do just that. And I do mean big! Humongous! Gigantic, even!

Here are just a few things that I hope to work toward:

  • A connect page to help you find community by location, by airline specifics, and even by special interest. I believe connecting to like-minded folks will help us continue to grow and thrive.
  • Creation of localized aviation groups around the world. I believe a strong community is key to living the aviation lifestyle well. I want to connect you to people that get it and whom you can do life together on a local, face-to-face level. I have already helped launch two such groups, and they are thriving!
  • Creation of a private #thepilotwifelife discussion group for safe aviation conversation outside the scrutiny of public eyes. This will be a place you can go to have your questions answered by those who have been there, done that. We will institute rules to keep the conversation flow safe and positive.
  • A resource page for aviation families.
  • Continued daily posts on Facebook and other social media sources. These may range from funny to encouraging, but they will never demean our traveling spouses.
  • Conferences (both marriage and women’s) and speaking engagements where I can connect with you and encourage you on a personal level.
  •  And a couple of other big projects that I have already started working on but which are still in the secret phase! Shhhhh.

It doesn’t matter to me if there are eleven or eleven thousand of you. I fiercely care about each of you individually. I love hearing from you. Your stories, your feedback, your struggles, your successes. You help me continue to grow and learn too. You matter to me. Immensely.

You are beautiful. Diverse. Amazing. You have no idea how much I love each of you for your unique beauty. When I say ‘I love you, aviation family,’ I am not just spouting off empty words. I mean it. From the bottom of my heart, I mean it.

If you knew how often I pray for you as a group and individually… If you knew how much precious time I spend worrying about how to serve you better… If you knew how many nights I have spent into the wee hours of the morning messaging with one of you because you are hurting… If you knew how carefully I answer every single message and comment that you direct to me…

Maybe then you’d truly understand. I love you, aviation family.

I am ecstatic that you are here. Thank you for trusting me to pour into you and your aviation marriages in a positive, encouraging way. Thank you for trusting me with your hearts and your stories. I am humbled daily by you.

I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us. I believe that the sky’s truly the limit!

I love you, aviation family!

Tailwinds.

Angelia (A Fellow Pilot Wife)

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To Love a Pilot You Must Learn to F.L.Y.

It was one of those divine moments of shining clarity. For some people they come like the morning sun rising over the horizon and bathing the world in glorious revelation.

However, in my stubbornness they usually come more in the form of a good, solid kick in the teeth that finally knocks some sense into me.

Sometimes.

My pilot was on the umpteeth day of a really long trip. Now that I think on it, it sometimes seems like he’s always on the umpteenth day of a really long trip. Welcome to the pilot wife life.

So on this particular umpteenth day I decided for no apparent reason to make myself something besides the normal fare of leftover day-old mac and cheese and half of a chicken nugget my kid didn’t finish. Usually, it’s followed by an oreo chaser after they go to bed. You know, the whole frigging bag. Hey, don’t judge!

You know what I’m talking about.

I whipped myself up a perfectly marinated ribeye steak with a side of parmesan crusted squash and a glass of red wine. A meal fit for a… Well, a queen.

I shoved a week’s worth of mail, two lightsabers, several books, and a…what is that thing, anyway?…off the table so I could have a clear spot to eat, plopped my tush (still covered in last night’s pajamas at 6 pm) into my cheeto-encrusted ‘throne,’ and prepared to dine in style.

And that’s when a little [uninvited] voice of reason broke through my royal reverie. “Mommy? Why are you eating that? Shouldn’t you save the good food for when daddy is home?”

Boom. Like I said, a nice, solid kick in the teeth. Thanks kid.

The ‘good’ food. In that painful moment I realized that I had been living my life not as a queen, but as a second rate citizen. And it was affecting my marriage and my children in a big way.

I had been blaming him for my unhappiness, but in reality the responsible party was staring back at me in the shiny surface of my steak knife.

I resented my husband for ‘always eating out’ and ‘having all the fun’ out there on the road while I was stuck at home groveling in monotonous mac-and-cheese misery. But the truth was that I was making the choice to eat cold, half-gnawed chicken nuggets.

Not him. Not my pilot. Not my husband. Me, myself, and I. 

Yet I was more than happy to project the blame on him. Why? Because frankly it’s always easier to divy out responsibility for my shortcomings on anyone and everyone but sweet, perfect, awesome me!

It’s not that we like being unhappy, but we like being unhappy! It’s more comfortable to coast through our current stratosphere of sadness than to take the plane by the yoke and seek out bluer skies.

But here’s the problem. We are inadvertently cruising with our noses pointed at the ground and if we don’t pull up soon we are going to make untimely and likely fatal contact with the hard earth below.

Our marriages will explode without survivors.

We need to embrace the hard truth. We must take responsibility for our own joy. This is true in any marriage, but especially for marriages with a traveling spouse where we will spend an unfathomable amount of time alone.

You see, in order to love a pilot you must learn to F.L.Y.–

First Love Yourself!

Blame leads to resentment, resentment leads to anger, and anger leads to broken homes. However when we F.L.Y.–when we own our happiness and we first love ourselves well–we replace blame with choice, we trade resentment for joy, and we swap broken aviation homes for beautiful, strong aviation marriages.

Though I cannot choose all of my circumstances, I can choose how I react to them. I was choosing comfortable misery, but I didn’t even realize it until my child spoke those words.

My pilot wasn’t forcing me to eat what I was eating! He wasn’t forcing me to lock myself in the house like a miserly hermit. But for some reason I blamed him.

Not only was it affecting my marriage, not only was I acting like a wretched old grump, but I was devalueing myself in the eyes of my children! I had inadvertently taught them by my actions that I was not as worthy as their father.

That was on me. Like I said, a good solid kick in the face.

That’s the exact moment when I decided to learn to F.L.Y. because I am worth it! And so are you. 

From that moment on I made a pact to love myself well. I can’t always make a gourmet meal, but at least several times a month during his trips I broil myself a nice juicy steak. Because I’m worth it!

When I want to eat out, I eat out. I take my kids to the movies and have ice cream dates with my girlfriends. I take a shower, spray on some perfume, fix my hair, and put on makeup. Not because he’s home, but because I’m worth it!

When I started loving me well, something quite extraordinary happened–I started loving him well by default. I still missed him, but I no longer resented him. Once I understood that joy was mine to shun or choose I pursued it with unbridled passion.

Then the joy that filled my heart overflowed into our marriage, my children, my relationships, and now into you. The ripple effect has been quite simply breathtaking.

I am still a pilot wife. I still spend an unfathomable amount of time alone. I still miss him like crazy. But I am cruising at a new altitude of my appointing and have never felt so content, so full of joy, so alive!

I want that for you! So ladies, I am absolutely challenging you.

Love yourselves well. Pursue your passions, treat yourself to your favorite foods, go to the movies, put on something other than your flannel PJs, have lunch with girlfriends, and laugh out loud!

You. Are. Worth. It.

And when you finally learn to F.L.Y., your marriage will soar to new breathtaking altitudes!

I love you, aviation sisters. Now give yourselves permission to F.L.Y!

~A Fellow Pilot Wife

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The A.R.T. of Love

Love. You can’t see it, touch it, hear it, taste it. It’s elusive and invisible. It comes out of nowhere and dissipates like mist in the wind, leaving us reeling in its wake.

It is nowhere to be seen, yet it is everywhere to be found. It is nothing…yet it is everything.

It controls our thoughts, affects our happiness, sways our decisions–yet it is as intangible as the wind.

The world is obsessed with love. We try to define it in every medium imaginable–music, literature, film, dance–because love truly is a work of A.R.T.

It is a breathtaking masterpiece, a prima ballerina assoluta performing a ballet of life, the magnum opus of the heart.

But what is love, really?

Love is not the momentary fluttery feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you meet ‘the one.’

It’s not the hopeful, excited feeling you get when you stand at the alter staring forever in the face. It’s not the deep contentment and joy you experience when everything in your marriage is going well.

It’s all these things…and much more.

Love isn’t always perfect. It isn’t a fairy tale or a storybook, and it doesn’t always come easy. It is the choice to love someone when you don’t like them very much and to stay and fight for your marriage when it would be easier to simply walk away.

Love is choosing to put the needs of another person above your own. It’s forgiving often and seeing past someone’s flaws to the value beyond.

Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word, easy to spell, difficult to define, and impossible to live without.

Love is hard work, but most of all, Love is realizing that every hour, every minute, and every second was worth it because you did it together.

Love is a beautiful, timeless work of A.R.T., and you are the artist! Every sunrise offers up a brand new, blank canvas just waiting for you to create a stunning masterpiece.

Every artist needs the right tools for the job, and love is no exception! The A.R.T. of love requires:

A-ction– Spend intentional time together, have fun, laugh often. Initiate intimacy. Treat your spouse in a kind loving way, even on the days when you don’t feel like they deserve it. Forgive freely. Hold each other often.

R-espect– Tell your spouse that you appreciate her. Be his biggest encourager; there are more than enough critics in the world already. Never demean or belittle your spouse in public or on social media. Walk away from anyone who speaks negatively about your spouse. Be proud of your spouse’s passions, talents, and career and tell him/her every chance you get.

T-alking– Great communication is the key to a great marriage. However, it doesn’t come naturally and takes practice and patience. Talk often; talk candidly. Listen without judgement. Take advantage of technology when you are apart. Deal with issues as they arise. Share your hopes, dreams, fears, failures, and successes.

You are a pilot wife–strong, beautiful, capable. You are also a talented artist and your canvas is waiting, so grab your tools and create a beautiful work of A.R.T.!

I love you, aviation family!

Tailwinds.

~Angelia (A fellow pilot wife)

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Incurable Disease

“Hello. My name is Angelia. I am a pilot’s wife.”

Sometimes when I announce that particular life fact, it feels like I’m revealing some deep, dark secret to a sympathetic support group beneath the cold, unfeeling fluorescents of some damp basement room.

Or like I’ve been diagnosed with an incurable illness.

Because that’s how people react.

“Ooooh, darling! Bless your little heart. I’m sooooo sorry. It must be terrible being married to a pilot and being alone so much. You might as well be raising those sweet babies all by yourself.”

Insert unbridled clucks of sympathy and pity pats a plenty. But how can you blame them, really?

Because to be completely and utterly fair, sometimes  [a lot of times] we act like we’ve been diagnosed with an incurable disease.

It’s a woah-is-me mentality.

Some of us have embraced a life of tepid misery and we… Well, frankly we roll around in it like a dog on a rotting carcass–covering ourselves in the putrid scent of our misery until that’s all anyone can smell on us.

So they pity us.

When a new pilot wife enters our midst the common question is, “tell me how bad it really is.” Not how good–how horribly, miserably, terribly bad. Spill it, sister.

And boy do we ever.

“It’s terrible being married to a pilot. I might as well be a single parent. I feel like a broken divorcee most of the time. My life is sooooo much harder than the average human being.”

Except it’s not.

The pilot wife life is not a bad normal, just a different normal.

Every husband–pilot, retail manager, doctor, and accountant alike–has his quirks (and heaven knows, every wife too).  Every career has its ups and downs. Every marriage has its trials. Every life has moments of joy and sorrow.

Every.

Sorry, ladies, but we simply do not hold the exclusivity card for life difficulties and marital trials. And it’s time we stop acting like we do because it’s ruining our marriages.

We have a choice to make–a choice to live this life with exceeding joy or a choice to live it in self-inflicted misery.

I choose joy. 

Look, like any job or circumstance, the pilot wife life is what you make of it. We can certainly continue to sulk and bemoan all the things that are beyond our control, after all there are plenty to choose from. But there is profound beauty and joy to be had if we only choose it– if we live every ounce of our pilot wife lives to its fullest.

I adore my pilot. And I do mean adore! He is my everything. My husband, my lover, my companion, my best friend in the entire world. I choose him. Over and over, I choose him. Not because he’s perfect or life’s perfect but because he’s mine.

And I am his.

You see, he chooses me too! I love being his pilot wife. I love the ‘me’ time, the independence, the excitement, the travel.

But most of all, I love seeing the man I chose excel at the passions of his heart. I get to be part of that! I get to be his encourager. I get to be his parachute when he falls and his wings when he soars. Just wow.

But here’s the kicker. He does those things for me too because marriage is reciprocal.

Of course, I hate when he leaves and can’t wait for the moment he returns home, but I live for the moment he comes into view standing outside of C departures, the moment he takes me in his arms, and the moment his lips meet mine. It’s almost like we get to experience our ‘first kiss’ over and over again for the rest of our pilot wife life.

We choose this life. I choose him. He chooses me! Every moment of every day…is amazing. Even when it’s not. This life is perfect in its imperfection because I get to do the ups and downs, the joys and sorrows, the laughter and the tears of this crazy, chaotic life with the man I fell in love with and married–my pilot.

I received some slack for a recent blog (Distance Makes the Heart Grow Distant). However, I don’t apologize. Sorry, girls. I just don’t. TRAVEL is a good acronym for every single marriage–aviation, not aviation, newlywed, long-wed, struggling, or soaring. It is a recipe for joy!

Talking openly with your spouse, rejecting negativity in your life, allowing time for fun, clinging to your vows, forgiving freely, and loving no matter what—those are healthy applications for healthy marriage!

Look, I know we are all at different places in our marriages and that’s okay. More than okay. 

This community is about loving and supporting each other no matter where you fall on the ‘marital bliss’ spectrum today. It’s about passing down pilot wife wisdom and preventing others from making the mistakes we have made (and suffering what we have suffered).

It’s about finding a new way–a better way–to live this life and seeking out the joy that some of us already have and all of us so desperately want to experience.

Pour positivity into your life. Find what works for you. Live life vivaciously. Surround yourself with great people. Appreciate your blessings. Seek joy. F.L.Y.

Your husband is not your enemy. He is not expendable. He is the man you fell in love with–the one you gave your heart to. He is the person you stood at the alter with and promised to love and cherish forever.

Being a pilot wife? It’s not an incurable disease; it’s an indescribable blessing. It’s being married to a passionate, talented, hard-working man who gives freely of himself so that I can have a great life. There’s a lot worse things, believe me.

So yeah, I choose joy. And I’m inviting you to choose it with me.

Angelia (A Fellow Pilot Wife)

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