I recently wrote an article entitled Three Gifts for Your Husband That Could Save Your Struggling Marriage. It examined three important needs that men have in order for a marriage to flourish–respect, some slack, and authentic sexual intimacy with their spouse.
But let’s get real for a second. Marriage is not 50/50. A marriage where 50% of the involved parties gives 50% of themselves half of the time is a marriage doomed to failure.
Marriage is a 100/100/100 proposition, at least a great marriage is. It takes 100% of the involved parties giving 100% of themselves to the covenant 100% of the time.
While it is true that your wife has a responsibility to love you well in the way you need to be loved, the converse is equally and proportionally true. You also have a responsibility to love your wife well in the ways she needs to be loved.
Or as my husband responded to the article, “It is absolutely incumbent upon me to do the same for you, to love my wife well.”
Drop mic (hit the sheets).
Because a man who loves his wife well will also be a man who is well loved.
But how? I get it, guys. I really do. You think you are loving her well. You work hard to provide for your family. You initiate sex with her frequently (and then oftentimes feel frustrated because she seems so unengaged). You fill the house with nice things. You do…well, everything you do…for her.
So what gives?
Ah, the intricate workings of the female mind! Here’s the thing, she doesn’t work like you. It must be one of the biggest cosmic jokes of all time. Men [primarily] are created as physical beings and women [primarily] are created as emotional beings.
Therefore you are doing all the right things (and you are an amazing husband and provider so keep up the great work), they’re just not necessarily the things that speak to her heart!
Those things are necessary and keep life rolling along smoothly, but they don’t necessarily make a marriage great. In fact, sometimes we get so caught up in doing the ‘right’ things that our marriages go wrong, slowly fading into nothing more than mundane co-existence at the best…and Hellbound misery at the worst.
Here’s the thing. You’re a good man. I know you truly want to love her well, after all you chose her! You made her your wife! You vowed to spend the rest of your life with her.
So what does your wife need to feel well loved? Here are three gifts that you can give your wife that can revive your marriage and rekindle the dying embers into roaring flames of passion.
1. Appreciate her. You probably think you do (and you assuredly do in your mind) but I’m telling you she doesn’t know. This is, hands down, the number one complaint I hear from your wives. You must make an intentional effort to notice the things she does and tell her! She desperately desires your verbal affirmation.
2. Love her. You need sex; she needs love. True story. But sex is love…right? Yes (for you) and no (for her). Did I mention the cosmic joke? What does that even mean, love her… It means to actively pursue and date her. It means doing all those things you did when you were still trying to win her over because essentially that’s what you are doing–winning the heart of your wife every single day. That’s loving her. Hold her hand. Hug her for no reason. Hold her without expectation. Adore her. Have eyes only for her. Love her–fiercely, jealously, without reserve.
3. Help her. You labor and toil all day, or perhaps you travel for days or even weeks at a time. When you hit the door to your own [hard-earned] home, all you want to do is put your feet up for a few minutes and rest. In fact, you absolutely deserve rest! But so does she! Surprise her by offering to help with dinner, doing the dishes, or folding a load of laundry (which you can do while watching football!). Knowing that you are in this life together and that you are willing will completely change her! She will feel less overwhelmed, more appreciated, and happier–and a happy wife equals a happy husband.
Look. I know that you don’t necessarily understand why she needs these gifts from you, but she does. Desperately. That, however, is the thing about love and marriage. We don’t have to understand why our spouse needs certain things, only that he or she does, and then we should give it our best effort to fulfill those needs because we chose them, made a vow to love them, and want them to be happy.
If you want to be a king, treat her like a queen. It may take a while before she realizes that these changes are here to stay, but once she does prepare to experience joy and intimacy in your marriage like never before…inside the bedroom and out!